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Hey hey, I'm moving my LiveJournal - my username is now lnkstained to go with my domain, when I can afford to register it which should be soon *crosses fingers*.
Please update your friend lists accordingly (it took me forever to update mine until I realised there was a quicker way of doing it halfway through :p).
_Imp
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Comments: 3 failed words - start a revolution.
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"I have nothing to say and I am saying it and that is poetry" ~ John Cage
_Imp
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Comments: start a revolution.
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| Time: | 12:14 am. |
| Mood: |  drained. | | Music: | Tori Amos - Spark. |
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I was reading the latest Jeanette Winterson book today, which I've had in my posession for nearly a year and have taken once around the world but only just got around to reading. I really liked this line:
"She looked at me like I'm crazy. Most of my lovers do, and that's partly why they love me, and partly why they leave."
Don't ask me why, I just did.
_Imp
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Comments: start a revolution.
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I just attempted to take my mind off how bored and depressed I am by watching Life of Brian, but I can never get a great picture on the video channel on my TV, so I moved my VCR into the room next door. Except I couldn't get that to recognise the VCR at all, and moved it back. Now the picture is ten times worse through here than it ever was before, and half an hour of trying to tune it have made no difference. Now I have no VCR anymore because it's unwatchable. This really is more than I can deal with right now, I have no idea when this is going to get fixed. All I've done for the last fortnight is watch videos because I don't have the energy to do anything else and now there's no more video watching. And now I feel like such a fucking child of the 00's because my VCR stops working and I can't stop crying.
It's so weird that it only takes one tiny thing and suddenly you're crying for everything that's wrong in your life and you've been trying not to think about for the last month.
_Imp
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Comments: start a revolution.
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I have reached new heights of laziness. I just looked up a Morissey CD on cdnow.com to get the track listing because I couldn't be bothered getting the CD case off my CD rack, which is less than a metre from my chair.
God. Somebody should just shoot me.
_Imp
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Comments: 4 failed words - start a revolution.
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Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
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| Time: | 6:37 pm. |
| Mood: |  amused. | | Music: | When I remember the name I'll tell you. |
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Me: Have you done "cat on a hot tin roof" yet?
Anna: No...oh wait, we did it in music
Me: Huh? You did a Tennessee Williams play in music?
Anna: Actually it could have been "fiddler on the roof"...
Help me, I can't stop laughing.
_Imp
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Comments: 5 failed words - start a revolution.
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Tuesday, March 26th, 2002
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| Time: | 3:35 pm. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. |
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Come fly with me
Let's leave today
Let's lose our minds
Let's hit the sky, let's never stop.
I dragged myself out of bed today because I was determined to go to school and not spend another day dying of boredom. Plus all these important things were ocurring. And of course I got to school to find all of them cancelled and decided I was bored and it was a nice day and I wanted to go home and watch ER. So I stayed in town just long enough to buy my jeans and collect my Spanish essay, and borrow an Alice in Chains CD from an 11year old I got talking to at this thing last week.
The great news is that Nicole doesn't have glandular fever (probably) which means a) she's not going to be sick for months and months, and b) I don't have glandular fever either (probably). So good news all around.
My brother called soon after I got home, I'm really excited about staying with him in Thailand this Summer. I'm going out at the beginning of September. He says all his friends are dying to take me places. Apparently, "My little sister is coming out here in the Summer. She's 17" is a line that makes people's eyes light up with the possibility. They're all dying to corrupt my mind. Yippeee :0)
I just emailed a short story to my English teacher because it's so much simpler than trying to find him. I love email.
_Imp
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Comments: 1 failed word - start a revolution.
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| Time: | 1:25 pm. |
| Mood: | tired. | | Music: | Led Zeppelin. |
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It's 1.20pm and I'm still in bed. I got up this morning feeling exhausted and sick and went back to bed as soon as I got out the shower. The result was that I woke up at 12 with my hair in a bizarre shape, which I fixed by running my head under the tap. I just watched 2 episodes of ER, I keep forgetting it's on weekday afternoons. Now I have to tape tomorrow's episode because it's a good one.
I remembered as I climbed back into bed this morning that I had a Spanish essay to hand in today, and it has to be today or I won't get it back in time to memorize it for writing out under exam conditions. I know, I think it's lame too. But anyway now I have to type it out and email it into school, and I'm guessing my Spanish teacher's email address so I hope it doesn't end up in the Art department.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't even feel particularly ill, just tired. I get this from time to time, usually after a few weeks of being really stressed and not realising it. I was worried last week because I had my dissertations to finish, and everything is going wrong with my parents again and I think they're gonna wind up separating, and I have to do something later this week I'm really dreading. And those exam things are getting closer, and I'm going to have to leave school soon which is just really scary. Plus I'm really not sleeping enough. So I guess my body's saying, enough already.
I'm going to take this oppertunity to watch a lot of Sex & The City, and read Desolation Angels.
_Imp
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Comments: start a revolution.
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| Subject: | Hope |
| Time: | 12:38 am. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | Peter Gabriel - Solsbury Hill. |
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Hope
I wish the rain would rush straight down
And hammer against my skull,
Instead the windows are all ablaze
With the crazy fire of existence.
If only the clouds would stoop to hide me,
Bring me safety in obscurity.
But the sun still penetrates burning through
My fragile midnight eyes.
I would take my blood and offer it to the stars
For their wisdom, or their apathy,
Just to lose the ache in evil glare
Of poisonous morning light.
Never in beauty was there so much pain
As in that dawn that exploded over
A thousand words still glowing sincerity
But fading between the lines in all their broken dreams.
Because we know that light won't melt the demons
Grown powerful in the darkest hours,
Over every perfect sentence, or false rhyme,
That beats through the dark and promises salvation
But will never set us free.
_Imp
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Comments: start a revolution.
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Saturday, March 23rd, 2002
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| Time: | 8:38 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. | | Music: | Alanis Morissette - You Owe Me Nothing In Return. |
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*stomach growls* My mum is away for the weekend so of course my dad and I are surviving on junk food. I just ate a fish supper. *feels ill*
I had this great shop-worker moment with a friend of mine yesterday who works in WH Smith (a store that sells newspapers and stationary and magazines and sweets and stuff like that). We were bitching about Creme Eggs and Milky Bar eggs and how the foil wrappers get scrunched up so you can't scan the barcode and have to type it in every time. The conversation went something like this:
Her: "Yeah I can't wait till Easter is over, I'm so sick of having to keep typing in the barcodes"
Me "Roll on the next major confectionary holiday"
Her: "Hey have you memorized the creme egg barcode yet?"
Me: "50201600"
Both: Uprorious laughter and stares from the rest of the table.
It was really funny.
Last night was sort of fun. I was supposed to go watch the school debating club in some major Scottish final with Nicole and a bunch of people from school. Unfortunately she's sick so she didn't come. So I spent an hour and a half on a couch with thirty 11-13 year olds. Amazingly, I put Lamb on my walkman and slept half the way there. W kept asking if I was alright and seeming concerned at the fact I was without Nicole. He seems to think I'm utterly lost without her or something. Which, I suppose, isn't completely untrue. I stayed at her place when we got back because it's a huge hassle for me to get home in late evening, and since we got back about 11.30 I would have had to get the bus and I wouldn't have gotten home until about ten to one. Not appealing. She looks really sick, they're saying it might be glandular fever (I think you Americans have a different word for this which I've forgotten...it knocks you on your ass for absolutely months and you get it through exchanging fluids through kissing or sharing food/drink). I'm really hoping it's not, she'd miss most of the rest of school and the summer. Plus if she's had it all this time (they reckon she's had it nearly a year but it's just starting to get bad because her immune system is so good) it'll be something of a miracle if I don't have it too. I mean I'm pretty sure I don't because I don't feel ill at all, but it ran through my head on the way home this morning. Anyway, let's hope it's just some other viral thing they can clear up...
I went into town on my way home today to try and find jeans. I've decided I need new jeans, I wear these ones ALL THE TIME (Anna will testify to this>. So I tried Gap and got annoyed because they had no loose fitting ones and they all taper at the bottom, and they were expensive. So I hit this place that sells half second half/half new clothes of various odd sorts and has tons of jeans and they're all relatively cheap. I found these GREAT ones, they actually looked good on me. And I was like a tenner short, so i called my dad whose mobile was off as always. I was going to just ask him for the tenner but when I got home I realise I was gonna wind up with no money again so I may as well try asking him just to pay for the jeans. I waited until he got back and handed him my report card which I got yesterday. This might be the nicest report card I've ever gotten. My history teacher and English teacher (W :p) said really nice stuff. So he read it and said, oh this is very good, etc, and I said, "Can I have some new jeans?" And he said, "Yeah of course." *giggles*
I was on my way to the station today and I passed this homeless guy who asked me if I had any change. I shook my head and smiled apologetically and he muttered, "Dunno if you're a guy or a wimman" and I said, "I don't know either mate." and continued towards the station. Where, I thought, the hell did that come from? I've been trying to come up with the ultimate response to that question (and oh am I sick of it. I'm not that fucking ambiguous) and I think this may just be it.
I keep meaning to find somebody to ask if it's alright for me to wear a tux to the 6th year ball this year at school. Everyone I've mentioned it to so far thinks it's a great idea. I really think everybody would be more surprised if I showed up wearing a dress.
Right, I'm going to go call my mum and concentrate on digesting this fried food.
_Imp
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Comments: 2 failed words - start a revolution.
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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
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| Time: | 10:37 pm. |
| Mood: | tired and crazy. | | Music: | Porcupine Tree. |
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I wasn't even in bed that late last night, but I'm exhausted. I just feel totally drained - and there is much work to be done tonight. I have to write up the conclusion for both my dissertations. History doesn't have to be perfect but English has to be in, final draft style, on Friday. Fuck fuck fuck.
My big Spanish oral did not go well yesterday. My topics were music, drugs, and Federico Garcia Lorca. It was going alright until the bastard asked me if I'd ever experimented with drugs. What do you say to that? We were in the Headmaster's office and he's an official examiner guy, and he's getting all confidentional and telling me we're not being recorded and he won't tell anyone. It totally threw me - I wound up muttering something about having friends who took drugs. Anyway, I coulda done better - I kept making basic mistakes because I was nervous, and I was mad at myself for being nervous because I didn't even need to be. I give up with Spanish, for real, I hate it. The whole time I was in there the room was spinning.
I just got up too fast and got a head rush and fell over. That was weird.
I just watched Attachments (British TV drama about an Internet company). One of the women in it really reminds me of my American. Scary.
I'm listening to Porcupine Tree - Coma Divine. Some of the guitar playing on this album is better than Pink Floyd. Especially the last four minutes of The Sky Moves Sideways (a 12-minute track).
Argh, Anna just sent me a quiz with a bunch of questions about her. One of my friends sent me one of these last week and I did really badly. *gets nervous* I was going to make one of my own but I couldn't be bothered :p
I'm gonna do this and scoot. I'm tired as hell.
_Imp
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Comments: start a revolution.
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| Time: | 10:19 pm. |
| Mood: |  scared. | | Music: | Alanis Morissette - You Owe Me Nothing In Return. |
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Tomorrow I have to get my picture taken for the school's annual magazine with about 20 other kids, to denote the fact that when we leave this year we'll have been there thirteen years. Thirteen YEARS. And I have to leave in three months, and of that only five weeks are proper school weeks. And I'm terrified. Even when I was unhappy or fucked up or things were going wrong, I always knew there was someone at that place I could count on, it's always been the place I felt safe. And now I have to go out into the big wide world and I'm so excited and so terrified. I feel like a kid still, I'm not old enough to live on my own. I know Anna thinks I'm crazy but I really like my school. I like the atmosphere, I like being there. And now it's all ending. I honestly think if I could take this year all over again I would, it's been so rocksom, and it disappeared so fast. I figured I'd get upset and terrified about the last week of term, but the term ends 28th June and it's happening already. I really don't want to leave. I'm going to lose contact with all these people, pupils *and* teachers, who have been such major influences on my life and helped/inspired/yelled at/made me. If I'm really honest I'm going to miss W an awful lot. I admit it: I love that man, he's one of the most incredible people I know.
And somebody, please tell me what I'm going to do without N. Because it's looking less and less likely that she'll be able to go to Durham University which is where I'm going. She's the one person who keeps my feet on the ground, who does stupid dances when I'm down until I have to laugh, who writes me notes with little cartoons containing jokes no one else gets, who walks into school on a sunny day and says, "Y'know what? Life's great" with this smile that makes you feel like everything's gunna be okay, who was my first love and remains the great love of my life - who takes away the ache like nobody else and makes me feel like anything is possible. And who is suddenly going to become an occasional phonecall and visitor during vacations. I don't know what to do with that.
I guess I'm just starting to get my head around the Big Move, and realising for the first time how huge this is.
_Imp
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Comments: 1 failed word - start a revolution.
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Saturday, March 16th, 2002
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| Time: | 12:53 pm. |
| Mood: | sleepy. | | Music: | Alanis Morissette - I don't know which track this is. |
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I have to go to work in an hour and I just woke up. Oops. I dreamt that I drove my parents' Mercedes, it was lotsa fun. Unfortunately I'm never gunna get to drive that car because the bastard insurance company won't put me on the insurance because I'm a new driver and I'm not over 21.
A bunch of stuff is worrying me at the moment and I don't want to get into it and I don't know what to do about it. I think my hands are getting better at least so tomorrow I'm going to make attempts at doing my History dissertation, which was due in Friday.
I got this cool poster of New York yesterday and it's now over my bed. I spent some time staring at it and worrying because it looks a little pro-American, and much as I like America in general I'm not feeling very pro-American at the moment. But the colors are nice, they go with my blue-painted walls.
The new Alanis Morissette album is good. I'm going to copy it and return it tomorrow. I love my CD-R.
_Imp
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Comments: start a revolution.
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| Time: | 9:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  happy. | | Music: | The Doors. |
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/Great creater of being grant us one more hour to perform our art and perfect our lives/
_Imp
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Comments: start a revolution.
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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
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I managed to type another three paragraphs of my dissertation today by stabbing the keys with my pen. I'm desperate to write this play I have in my head and I can't because of my hands and I have all this work I can't do. It's just killing me.
And I felt like screaming today from sheer hatred of my situation in Spanish. I hate it. I hate the language. I hate the way it grates across my tongue, I hate the way it looks on the page. And I hate hate hate that woman who "teaches" us. And I want to go up to W's office and wail, "Please write to Durham, call them, do anything to get them to say I don't need a B in Spanish because I can't stand another day of it." But I haven't because there isn't a damn thing he can do about it.
And my parents are fighting again. My dad is tired of my mother being depressed, and my mother is tired of my dad being snappy and unhappy and she's getting more depressed. And I can't wait to leave home and I'm terrified of leaving them alone together. I spent all my childhood years wishing they'd break up so the shouting would stop and now I'm 17 and I just want them to love each other so we can all get along. My mum showed up in my room crying at 11.30 last night and I realised this is happening again and this time I'm older and it's all on my shoulders. There is nothing so lonely and isolating as helplessness.
_Imp
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Comments: 4 failed words - start a revolution.
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I am in pain of so many different kinds. The inside of my lip hurts from one mouth ulcer that's been there three days and another that's on its way and is going to hurt like hell tomorrow. My head hurts all the fucking time. My heart hurts - something inside me just aches all the time and I can't stop it and I don't know what it is. And now my hands hurt so I can't even get all of this out, I can't do the one thing that makes me feel better. I can't create.
Everything feels wrong tonight and there's 4 more hours till bedtime and so much work to do but I'm too tired and depressed and my hands are too fucked to type I shouldn't even be writing this.
_Imp
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Comments: 2 failed words - start a revolution.
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aliendreamer's journal
lethargic.